"Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows." - John 16:33b NLT
There are moments when we feel like we've missed the mark, or when we believe we are not good enough, or feel inadequate because we can't change the reality of a circumstances we are presented with.
I've heard so many people say "breastmilk is best for baby". There seems to be a general assumption that every mom is able to breastfeed their baby successfully, on demand, as needed, every day... but let me tell you, there is so much pressure put on moms.
My desire was to breastfeed our baby fully... when the doctor who delivered our baby asked me "breastmilk or formula?", I responded "I would like to breastfeed him". His response was a foreshadow of the difficulties to come; he simply mentioned that the lady who was measuring our newborn did both breastmilk and formula. I should have better prepared my heart to the idea that I might not be able to successfully breastfeed Raphael to contentment.
And ultimately, I haven't been able to breastfeed him directly at all.
On day 5 of Raphael's life, I attended a breastfeeding clinic, in which I was made to feel inadequate because baby wasn't latching onto me correctly. During that visit he also hit a new decibel in crying and I was so sad that I couldn't provide him with what he needed. I even made lactation cookies, purchased fenugreek/blessed thistle pills, and tried some strategies the lactation consultants mentioned. On day 10 I returned to the clinic, had a much better experience, but even though my breastfeeding goals were far from being reached, I left with more peace in my heart because I came to the understanding that "fed is best".
I was having a discussion over social media with a friend who just gave birth to her second baby, and when the topic of breastfeeding came up she had the heart and wisdom to tell me that "whether your baby is having breastmilk or formula, "fed is best"." This spoke volumes to me, as a new mom herself, she had come to the understanding that as primary caregiver to our children, we need to ensure they are fed. If it doesn't come directly from us, it needs to come from somewhere, and formula these days is way more advanced than years ago. The bottles even say "our closest formula to breastmilk" so that's encouraging, too.
In between the breastfeeding clinics, we had an appointment with the family doctor, and he also encouraged me to be confident and content to feed Raphael formula. The doctor is the one who said "we put so much pressure on moms, and when moms are stressed, the milk has more difficulty flowing. Plus formula is really close to breastmilk now, so baby will be getting what he needs". As simple as it seems, I left refreshed with this new revelation that there is nothing wrong with feeding our baby formula.
My parents reminded me that I was a formula-fed baby myself! So I needed to lay off my feeling of failure for being unable to breastfeed my baby this time around. The effort made on my part was worth the time and effort, although it has been a frustrating and saddening struggle for me - the positive aspect is that I have been able to pump some breastmilk for Raphael and provide it to him within his formula feedings. It may not seem like much, but I keep telling myself "every drop counts", and I am coming to the contentment in knowing that at least I tried.
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Something I have come to realize is how incredibly forgiving babies are. Earlier this week I slept through Raphael's 1 AM / 2 AM feeding, twice. Yes, two nights in a row I missed the cry of our baby when he was hungry in the dead of night. I felt like a total failure. Not only have I been unable to breastfeed, now, I completely missed a nightly feeding, twice!
Thankfully my husband, and my parents, heard him and went to his aid. However, my heart sank so deep when my loved ones notified me... the next morning I cried and cried... thank God for His grace and for the simplicities of a babies demands. One moment they will be crying out in discomfort or hunger, and upon helping them meet their needs, they will be either sound asleep or gently cooing in satisfaction.
Regardless of my feelings in the moments mentioned above, I'm grateful to know that God's grace is sufficient for me all aspects of life, and that He is my reliable source of strength and peace. When I am tired, unable to breastfeed, or uncertain of how to help Raphael in a moment of crying - I can call on God for wisdom and grace, and He'll grant them to me. His Word says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9a NIV
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] - John 16:33 AMPC
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