The Divine Orchestrator - A Brief Sharing of the Journey from Friendship to Marriage

God is the divine orchestrator.

~~~

Had you asked me a year ago on August 21, 2017, "where do you see yourself in one year?", my answer would not have included being engaged to the young man I love and will one day marry. We've only been dating for the past ten months. Besides the many other events and milestones this past year, of new jobs and job promotions, the passing of my beloved grandma, the accommodating a mom and her two daughters in our basement for a few months, and the purchase of a new condo... this is a moment that needs to be cherished.

My desire, along with my soon-to-be husband, is to only be engaged to one person, and only one time while on this planet. And I said yes, as much as he has chosen me, I have made the decision to choose him, too. So I am certain we are both in this to win it. 

~~~

A year ago I was single, uncertain of what I wanted or who I wanted to be with. God changed that, it wasn't easy to give up the familiarity of toxic cycles and relationships, even though we are creatures of habit. I was in a friendship, that was not a healthy relationship; I was never certain if I was doing the right thing, or going to be shown love back in return. It sucked.

Until, one day, I became so fed up with how I was being treated and the way I had been responding, that I knew something needed to change. I consulted my mentor for direction and advice. I realized there was a young man who really did love me. He loved me so much to pray for me, constantly, and he was asking God to change my heart toward him. And God did. I wasn't about to stay another minute in the toxic situation I had subjected myself to, and decided to make the cut to pursue a relationship with someone who really did care about me. 

At that time I knew my betrothed and we had some very rough patches, but for the most part we had become very good friends with in the previous year. Actually, I considered him one of my best friends, because we were in constant conversation.

They say, "if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you it was meant to be." But in The Word of God, Jesus said, "'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." (See Mark 10:7-9 ESV)

~~~

When I first saw my fiancé, I was at church outside in the lobby, I looked passed the opened doors to the sanctuary, and he was inside getting up from his seat and walking towards the lobby area. My spirit bubbled up deep inside me, as if to say "you need to get to know this man", and I was like, "but Lord, I said I was going to wait a year before I start to 'get to know' any potential man-to-be-husband again". I bet you're expecting me to say, he came to the lobby and we spoke and ended up talking for hours and hours afterwards... but that's not the case.

I actually determined I would not go up to him, or strike up a conversation with him (or ask for his number directly) until he showed interest in me first. Too many times before, I found myself pursuing the attention of a man, and this is not how the Lord intended for women to operate. So I waited, not really thinking about the potential of being in relationship with him.

At a later time, or it could have been earlier, he said he saw me from a distance, and told me that he felt his spirit was drawn towards me. He said he asked the Lord if I was to be his wife, and felt a gentle "yes". Let me tell you, he didn't come up to me that day either (lol).

It wasn't until I was volunteering to help hand out flyers for one of our major summer events at church, in August 2016. A list had been passed around for people to sign up to help out. When it was passed back to me and I saw his name and number written, I said to myself "yesss, I got his number!". As previously mentioned, I have usually been the one to initiate a conversation because I am so outgoing and bold. But I felt that I needed to wait to begin conversation with him, as I had secretly hoped that he would walk up to me and start one himself. I ended up texting him (and of course the other people who signed up) and ever since then we engaged in many hours of in-depth and meaningful texting conversations.

~~~

Fast-forward about two months, at another special event, my fiancé and I connected. From then we began our dating journey. Let me be real with you, a lot of our fleshly habits came out within the first two weeks of dating. But I would always end up in tears, something in my spirit was saying, "this is not how it's supposed to be. We are not glorifying God in this relationship." He felt the same way.

Kids, if you want to be successful in relationship, establish healthy boundaries:

- Time boundaries; be back at your own homes by a certain time, not being out too late

- Physical boundaries; purity as God intended, some things should be left for marriage

- Conversational boundaries; no heavy intense discussions after a certain time (I'm still working on implementing this...)

There are many more factors to a successful relationship. We do our best to remember to give each other grace, because we know that not everyone has it all together; love each other, faults and all; and, realize that you cannot change anyone but yourself - and even so, we can only change with the help of the Holy Spirit.

~~~

The above portions of this blog were written on November 11, 2018.

Today, December 6, 2021, my husband and I are 2 years and 7 months married, and we have been blessed with one absolutely precious gift, a son. There have been many beautiful moments and some challenging ones as with any relationship, but God is good and faithful. He is the divine orchestrator and we put our trust in Him. Be blessed. 

New Mom Thoughts - Part 3

At the time I was planning to write this, we were officially over 4 weeks old. As of today we are almost 12 weeks. Where has the time gone... I've been learning and pondering so much.

There have definitely been challenges, and the battle in my mind is real most days. I've been asking God to help me perceive this beautiful responsibility as "joy" rather than simply a very hard "job". It's been a lot of hard work; kudos to all the moms out there who have walked this path before me, and for those who have done it more than once or completely on their own... God bless you, really, you are amazing.

~~~

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

Psalm 127:3

~~~

The grace and strength required to wake up every two to three hours in the night, as well as living an entire day doing the same thing, just to do it all over again feels endless. Some mom's with adult children remind me that things will get better, but at the same time, I know they will get harder in different ways when the time comes. 

~~~

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness".

2 Corinthians 12:9a

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118: 24

~~~

Let's talk about the reality of mom guilt; as real as it feels it's also a very big lie. I read this blog and found the truth within it encouraging. My biggest takeaway was: It is easier to believe the lies when you are tired and stressed. Don’t let your sleep-deprived or stressed-out brain trick you into believing the junk being thrown your way. Stop it in its tracks, and your mood will likely improve. 

Also, when negative comments come your way just nod your head, but remember you are truly blessed.

~~~

God gives rest to his loved ones.

Psalm 127:2d

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights,

with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

James 1:17

~~~

I'm also learning that I can only do what I can do, and I need to grant myself grace if all the things I want to get done take more time than usual. Preparing a snack for myself takes a lot longer than I expected, especially when baby is in arm. Also there are projects and things I want to get done, but I've reminded that I need to shift my priorities, caring for my little ones needs is important in this season. And I'm constantly reminding myself that this season won't last forever - just like pregnancy itself didn't last forever (and as wonderful as it was, thank God He put a time limit on it). 

~~~

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...

Ecclesiastes 3:1

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, 

but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, 

for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

John 16:21

A Gracious Tongue

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 

Ephesians 4:29-32 ESV 

~~~

Why is this so hard to live sometimes? Well if I'm truthful, it's difficult almost all the time. So often I want to speak my mind when someone ticks me off. It's easy hold on to bitterness, stew in anger and speak slander against the one who has bothered my idea of peace.

But God intended a life at a much higher standard than what my human nature has fallen in line with. It's only by the power of His Holy Spirit that I can truly speak graciously to others. It's only in my understanding of God's goodness and mercy towards me that can I extend the same to others. Forgiveness can be granted regardless of what another person has done to me when I understand the power of the cross of Christ. 

~~~

Lord, by the power of Your Holy Spirit, please grant me a tenderheart and a gracious tongue that I may truly love others the way you have called me to. In Jesus name, amen.

New Mom Thoughts - Part 2

"Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows." - John 16:33b NLT

There are moments when we feel like we've missed the mark, or when we believe we are not good enough, or feel inadequate because we can't change the reality of a circumstances we are presented with.

I've heard so many people say "breastmilk is best for baby". There seems to be a general assumption that every mom is able to breastfeed their baby successfully, on demand, as needed, every day... but let me tell you, there is so much pressure put on moms.

My desire was to breastfeed our baby fully... when the doctor who delivered our baby asked me "breastmilk or formula?", I responded "I would like to breastfeed him". His response was a foreshadow of the difficulties to come; he simply mentioned that the lady who was measuring our newborn did both breastmilk and formula. I should have better prepared my heart to the idea that I might not be able to successfully breastfeed Raphael to contentment. 

And ultimately, I haven't been able to breastfeed him directly at all. 

On day 5 of Raphael's life, I attended a breastfeeding clinic, in which I was made to feel inadequate because baby wasn't latching onto me correctly. During that visit he also hit a new decibel in crying and I was so sad that I couldn't provide him with what he needed. I even made lactation cookies, purchased fenugreek/blessed thistle pills, and tried some strategies the lactation consultants mentioned. On day 10 I returned to the clinic, had a much better experience, but even though my breastfeeding goals were far from being reached, I left with more peace in my heart because I came to the understanding that "fed is best". 

I was having a discussion over social media with a friend who just gave birth to her second baby, and when the topic of breastfeeding came up she had the heart and wisdom to tell me that "whether your baby is having breastmilk or formula, "fed is best"." This spoke volumes to me, as a new mom herself, she had come to the understanding that as primary caregiver to our children, we need to ensure they are fed. If it doesn't come directly from us, it needs to come from somewhere, and formula these days is way more advanced than years ago. The bottles even say "our closest formula to breastmilk" so that's encouraging, too.   

In between the breastfeeding clinics, we had an appointment with the family doctor, and he also encouraged me to be confident and content to feed Raphael formula. The doctor is the one who said "we put so much pressure on moms, and when moms are stressed, the milk has more difficulty flowing. Plus formula is really close to breastmilk now, so baby will be getting what he needs". As simple as it seems, I left refreshed with this new revelation that there is nothing wrong with feeding our baby formula.

My parents reminded me that I was a formula-fed baby myself! So I needed to lay off my feeling of failure for being unable to breastfeed my baby this time around. The effort made on my part was worth the time and effort, although it has been a frustrating and saddening struggle for me - the positive aspect is that I have been able to pump some breastmilk for Raphael and provide it to him within his formula feedings. It may not seem like much, but I keep telling myself "every drop counts", and I am coming to the contentment in knowing that at least I tried.  

~~~

Something I have come to realize is how incredibly forgiving babies are. Earlier this week I slept through Raphael's 1 AM / 2 AM feeding, twice. Yes, two nights in a row I missed the cry of our baby when he was hungry in the dead of night. I felt like a total failure. Not only have I been unable to breastfeed, now, I completely missed a nightly feeding, twice! 

Thankfully my husband, and my parents, heard him and went to his aid. However, my heart sank so deep when my loved ones notified me... the next morning I cried and cried... thank God for His grace and for the simplicities of a babies demands. One moment they will be crying out in discomfort or hunger, and upon helping them meet their needs, they will be either sound asleep or gently cooing in satisfaction. 

Regardless of my feelings in the moments mentioned above, I'm grateful to know that God's grace is sufficient for me all aspects of life, and that He is my reliable source of strength and peace. When I am tired, unable to breastfeed, or uncertain of how to help Raphael in a moment of crying - I can call on God for wisdom and grace, and He'll grant them to me. His Word says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9a NIV

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] - John 16:33 AMPC

New Mom Thoughts - Part 1

Can you believe it? I am officially a 2-week old mom. Our son, Raphael, was born to us on July 18, 2021 at 5:03 AM. He was two weeks and one day early. Today, August 2nd, would have been our due date of 40 weeks, but he decided to come early. Even so, I know his arrival was timed perfectly by God for my husband and I to receive him.

Raphael has been such a joy to our family and friends! There is a hymn called "Because He Lives" and my mom was sharing the lyrics with me of the first verse, it goes like this:

How sweet to hold a new born baby
And feel the pride and the joy that he gives
But greater still that calm assurance
We can face uncertain days because he [Jesus] lives

It is amazing to see how a little baby can bring such joy to those around them. We had a beautiful elderly woman come over who is 82 years old - she was dropping off a gift for us - and we asked her if she would like to hold Raphael. Because of the current "pandemic" in the world there was a little hesitation... but when my mom told her "he will only be 4-days old once" she quickly agreed and sat down to hold him. Later that day, this beautiful woman text messaged my mom (yes, she's the coolest!) and told her it has been over 10 years since she held a newborn and her heart was so full of joy! 

Raphael and I have been to quite a few appointments over the first 10 days of his arrival - I think 10 appointments in total! It can be really tiring as a new mom to meet the demands of a newborn baby, in addition to ensuring I, myself, am fed and taken care of as well. I don't know how single mom's do it, it is so hard. I am very grateful for my loved ones who have come and surrounded us with support in ensuring baby is fed and changed, as well as allowing me to sleep a little here and there to catch up.

The first 3 nights I was starting to see images, and I quickly surrendered my thoughts to God. I was very tired, but I know God never sleeps or slumbers, and that He is always with me. These strange images have disappeared since, thank God!

Regarding my emotions, I am still really sensitive, up and down sometimes, not sure how to explain what I am feeling or expecting - especially with my husband. But there is grace, on both parts, as we are both new parents and learning new things every day. I think as a woman who had a chance to carry the child, I had more time to mentally prepare for the arrival of our precious gift, but it may have been more of a shock to my husband since he hasn't felt all those physical changes and kicks prior to Raphael being out of the womb.  

Raphael's name means "healed by God" in Hebrew. We truly believe God has given us this name for him, as we had the scare/bleed out in week 13 of the pregnancy, and have been to so many ultrasounds and now doctors appointments for his horseshoe kidney. As hard and emotionally challenging this process has been, I am grateful for the team of doctors who have come to support us in this process with confirming that everything is okay with Raphael. And it is okay! Thank God again, He truly is our healer!

I was listening to a few YouTube videos on encouragement for new moms just yesterday. In one of them the following verses were shared: 

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. - Titus 2:3-5 ESV

Ultimately these verses indicate four main things that are required of women who are married and have children:

1) Love their husband and children

2) Live sensible, self-controlled and pure lives

3) Take care of their homes

4) Be kind and submissive to their husbands

Seems pretty straightforward, and I'm praying God will help me to fulfil what is required of me as a wife and mom. The word of God really does have a verse for everything!

Going back to the lyrics of Because He Lives - Jesus is so much greater than any situation we may face. He's even greater than the personality of our spouse, child or our own self! There is so much hope in knowing that I serve a God who I can trust with all the details of my life.

This was the verse that I read over and over again during labour:

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him. 

- Psalm 28:7 NIV

~~~

These are just some of the thoughts I've had and dealt with over the past 2 weeks of our newborns life. I'm hoping to write more often again while the baby is sleeping - because for me, writing is a form of rest.

Blessings 

A Testament of God's Faithfulness

If you were to tell me back in February 2020, that I would be 4 months pregnant in February 2021, I would have looked at you in disbelief. Right before the world shut down, I began a mensural cycle that would last over 40 days. I would have told you "I'm sorry, but don't you know I'm broken?" How can one possibly get pregnant when my body won't stop bleeding? 

I considered the causes of this unique predicament, looked up remedies on how to destress and hoped my body would return to normal function. There were moments I was reminded about the woman with the issue of blood, found in Mark 5. She suffered and even the doctors treatments were unable to help her, but her issue lasted 12 years! If God could bring her through that, I knew He would bring me through this. Thankfully it didn't last more than 2 months!

The world shut down in March 2019, but of course we continued to pray. My beloved husband with boldness and faith he prayed with me and anointed me with oil. I even asked God what He wanted me to learn in this experience. A blessing in this moment was that by mid-April I began working from home, thank God, I could be in the comfort of my own home and deal with my brokenness. (For those of you working from home, midday shower's are really nice once and a while, right?)

Eventually I called the doctor and requested some sort of natural remedy to resolve this extremely long period. Ultimately, they suggested I start birth control to help regulate my hormones and ultimately my period. So somewhat reluctantly I began taking the pill in May 2019. Key word, reluctantly, but I did have hope that it would cause the bleeding to stop. Within 3 days, the bleeding ceased. 

But this is not where the story ends. Every testimony has an opportunity to keep going because God's goodness never stops. 

Now understand, my husband and I never wanted to prevent ourselves from the ability to have children through means of birth control. We are open to the blessings of God as he desires to grant us, and of course, as we see fit for our families circumstances. But for me to be on birth control at this time, just over 1 year being into our marriage, my fear was that this would only delay the process in which we wanted to begin before my body hit 30.

Once again, this is not where the story ends. Every testimony has an opportunity to keep going because God's goodness never stops. 

I was required to take birth control for a total of 3 months to help regulate my period. Little did I know, additional hormones would increase feelings of anxiety and physical displays of anxious behaviour would follow. I would feel ill all the time, becoming sick to the stomach and constantly jittery. I would count the days of not feeling anxious or ill and thank God for sustaining me though another week. It was terrible, yet I am grateful for a God who never leaves me and a husband who didn't give up on me during this time. Once August 2019 hit, I decided that I was DONE with taking birth control - in hopes to feel better, less anxious - as I desired to be anxiety-free.

Even during this time between May and August 2019, I was sent a podcast from a friend which provided much insight. It's by Dr. Carolyn Leaf's podcast series "Cleaning up the Mental Mess", and the episode is called "How to unwire addiction and toxic habits from our brains, why focusing on "willpower" is ineffective and counterproductive + tips on how to help someone without enabling them (with Dr. Amy Johnson)." Yeah, it's a mouthful, but incredibly insightful. It spoke about how habits are developed, so when we feel a certain way we train our brains to respond in a certain matter to it - usually a negative or unhealthy response. However, we don't have to do what we've been trained ourselves to do. These habits have no power over us, and we can change by the power of the Holy Spirit to think and respond better in whatever situation we face. 

After stopping the birth control, I was feeling less anxious within 2-3 weeks, and feeling better felt amazing! The birth control did help regulate my period as well, which was the original intent and I'm glad for it. 

It was in October when my husband and I starting discussing the possibilities of starting a family. He even prayed that God would open my womb, as Isaac did for Rebekah in Genesis 25:21. 

We're going to jump ahead now to week 12 of our pregnancy journey. I had an amazing first trimester, didn't feel sick at all, I actually thought sometimes "am I really pregnant?" I even requested blood work to be done to see if I was pregnant, the doctor called me early one Sunday morning and said "we got the results of your blood work and you are highly pregnant!" 

 Week 12 and 5 days... it's 7:30pm and I feel like I'm cramping. I experienced a moderately heavy flow of blood suddenly, and was uncertain of what might be going on inside my womb. We didn't know what to do other than pray. This was the journal entry I wrote on January 23, 2021 at 10:30pm:

Lord, I come before You, concerned about the bleeding I have experienced this evening. I said earlier this evening that I trust You and how things are currently working out well and they "just make sense". Lord, today I read that You have plans for me, to prosper and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. I'm asking, Lord, that You would hold me in your arms at this time. You've blessed Garvin and I with this baby - a start of a family. I trust that You will work all things out for our good. Please heal my body and keep this baby safe. Prepare us God, we really need You. Your Word says in Psalm 29:11, "The Lord give His people strength; The Lord blesses His people with peace." And Lord, your Word also says in Psalm 127:3 "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him." Father, I thank You for Your Word and promises. I receive Your strength and peace and I thank you for this precious gift you've blessed Garvin and I with. All glory goes to You. In Jesus' name, amen."

Once again, this is not where the story ends. Every testimony has an opportunity to keep going because God's goodness never stops. 

Week 13, my husband and I went to get an emergency ultrasound done to see what could have occurred. The heartbeat was strong, thank God, but from what we saw in ultrasound week 12 the baby looked like it was only in a peanut shell half the amount we saw one week prior. Doctor thought the amniotic fluid may have been depleted around the baby due to the bleeding I had experienced two days prior. Ultimately, I was put on bed rest, unable to work, or even prepare a meal for myself. 

Bed rest is hard. Laying down all day, not being able to get up and do whatever you want is taxing on the mind.  There is a temptation while on bed rest to feel useless, but I knew that this was just a lie since this season is only for a time. 

 Week 14, we had a follow-up ultrasound to see the progression and status of our baby. The heartbeat was strong, thank God again! From the ultrasounds, it looked like a miracle to my husband and I, from almost half the amniotic fluid gone in week 13 to it looking pretty much restored in week 14 - we were ecstatic! After 2 full weeks of bed rest were complete, I met with a gynecologist and she cleared me to return to work, and even to exercise by walking for 30 minutes a day. Praise the Lord!  

Now the story is continuing, day after day, but I just wanted to take some time to share some of the journey up until this point. We are grateful to God for all the good He has done in our lives, and in the moments when it doesn't make much sense, we trust that He will see us through. After all, even in this He allowed me to be pregnant before I turned 30 years old. God bless!